Why am I so tired?

Today has been one of those days where I can barely force myself to make myself eat. (In fact, I ordered in breakfast.)

Yesterday felt like that, too. And the day before that. And all this week, really.

I had one thing I had to make sure I did this week, which was to attend an online conference, and I am happy that I made myself do that.

The rest of the week I spent trying (and failing) not to sleep at weird times. But I still slept for large portions of a couple of days this week.

I don’t know.

About a month ago, I stopped taking the antidepressants I’d been on for the last year or so (Effexor). I haven’t been completely off antidepressants for probably a few years. I try every once in a while; in the past, I’ve crashed hard and forced myself back on medication in order to feel stable.

I think differently these days than I used to. I’m not prone to a lot of the traps my brain would set off when I was upset about something.

Right after I went off the meds, I was hyper(?) or manic(?) maybe(?)… at any rate, I slept very little, woke up early, and spent a lot of time frantically researching and writing.

I wrote a bunch of emails. I got caught up with life. I was just on top of everything.

Then, about a week and a half ago, I was confronted with yet another chapter in a long saga of being gaslit by autistic “leaders.” I had the panic attack. I had the walk. I thought about how I wanted to respond. I wrote things. I deleted things. And ultimately, I just decided I wanted to forget about it.

And that was fine, but it’s thrown me off. Now I’m sleeping all the time instead. I just watch TV, and I don’t even really want to watch TV, but I also don’t really want to do anything else either.

My body feels like I’m carrying invisible weight. I don’t want to be awake. I just want to sleep instead, until I reach a point where I’m interested in things again.

But honestly, WHY?

Is it because I’m autistic and I just did too much too fast?

Is it because I’m having a depressive episode?

Is it because I have poor nutrition habits so my body is just unhealthy?

Or is there some other random reason that I’m chronically exhausted?

blegh.

Published by

Michelle Sara

I make it my full-time job to improve my understanding of myself and others, question unchallenged perceptions of normality, and identify value in what I have to offer. I aim to promote harmony between us all, including nature, as I pursue autonomy and sustainability for myself.

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